I've spent my Saturday evening poring over some new math files some wonderful people sent me, and started getting excited about using them in class. One of my struggles these past four months has been the lack of structured curriculum. We're starting from scratch, in so many ways, and one of the ways that manifests itself is in the lack of resources available for use in the classroom. I've found ways to work around this in English (even though it's not easy, at least I have an English degree and a lifetime of bibliophilia to fall back on!). But math has been a struggle. The available math books are sub-par, frequently using in one chapter skills that won't be introduced until much later in the course, and skimming over in insufficient detail necessary skills. I'm not a math teacher. I passed Calculus 2 in college by the skin of my teeth and with a lot of help, but I never would have said math is my passion. My college roommate majored in math, and frankly, classes like Non-Euclidean Geometry made my eyes cross and my knees go weak. However, I've always enjoyed the 'lesser maths' like algebra and normal geometry. And I was good at them. So I assumed I'd have very little trouble teaching them.
WRONG.
It's been a struggle. Between the language barrier, the crummy books, and my lack of background in math, I've been working hard to keep my head above water. But I'm loving it. And tonight, looking through these new resources that could change my classroom, I got really excited. And wanted to share it with someone. And then a little voice in my head said (in a voice dripping sarcasm), "Nerd alert! Someone's getting a little too excited about school stuff!" Then another quiet voice spoke up and said, "What's wrong with that?"
I stopped, and decided both voices needed addressing. I was getting excited about school stuff. I did give up part of my weekend to go over these new resources and think about using them in my class, but what was wrong with that? The first voice responded, "It's the weekend! Go turn on another episode of a TV show and just relax! Teaching is just a job you do Monday through Friday. It's your day off!" This voice, I am convinced, was from the enemy. Since the time I got my first job, I've worked twelve different places (not counting the current one:). At all of those jobs, I looked forward with a great deal of longing to quitting time and days off. I spent most of my time at those jobs wishing I was at home, and frequently went home exhausted and dreading the next day. Since I've started teaching, I still look forward to quitting time, and I really love my weekends, but I also--and this is new--sincerely love my job. Getting through the day is not merely a matter of survival (though occasionally I have those, too--I am a teacher!), but satisfying, fulfilling work. I go home at the end of the day exhausted but at peace with who I am and what I'm doing. Confucius said, "Choose a job you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life." I'd always wondered about that, and decided the job he was referring to was being the wife of a multimillionaire. Now that I have a job I love, I realize that Confucius was only half right. Even if you're lucky enough to find a job doing what you love, you may end up working harder than you ever have in your life--but you'll enjoy it! And that makes all the difference.
So, to that first voice, I simply said, "Shut up!" I do love my job, and I'm ashamed that I was ashamed to admit it. I fell into the trap of thinking like many people do, that a job is just a way to earn money, and has little to do with the rest of my life. But I am a teacher, and God knew it, and he also knows how long I fought it, but until I finally said YES to his plan, I couldn't imagine the peace that comes from finding what you're meant to do, and doing it.
Does this mean that life is hunky dory, and I'm free from worries and stress? Far from it! I have more reasons for fear and uncertainty now than I have ever had in my life, but I am also learning to trust God through it. Many years ago, a preacher spoke on Peter and how Jesus called him to come out on the water where he was waiting. The gist of the sermon was, "If you want to walk on water, first you have to leave the boat." Well, I'll admit that sometimes rather than sinking like Peter in his moment of doubt, I'm still back on the boat clinging to the railing with my eyes shut. I pray for the faith that would allow me to step boldly out upon the waters, regardless of the weather or the height of the waves.
Sometimes, my spiritual walk is like monsoon. Every day brings showers of blessings and reminders that I am a child of God, and he loves me. Others, I struggle to see past the fog of my troubles and doubts, and wonder, is he really there? Did I imagine his love? Am I really walking the path he wants me on, or am I pleasing myself? Take a moment to scroll back up to that first picture. Some days, life is like this. Clouds obscure the horizon, obliterating everything but the nearest landmarks. Shadowy hills may be visible, but the indescribable glory of God that you thought you had glimpsed is hidden, out of sight, and you start to wonder if it was ever really there.
But then, some days, life is more like this:
And suddenly, you remember your certainty. The mountains didn't cease to exist just because they were hidden in the clouds. God is there, whether we can see his hand at work or not. The trick is to remember that, and to have faith that he will fulfill what he has promised. Philippians 1:6 says, "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." So, even in times of spiritual drought, have faith! He who started something good in you is still working--and he is not dismayed by the struggles we face. "In this world you will have trouble," Jesus said. And oh, do we have troubles! But then he adds, "But take heart! I have overcome the world." Whom, then, shall I fear? For if Christ has overcome the world, what can man do to me?
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